May 7, ALL Ready??

May 7, I can't believe it. Tonight I have been eating. UGH!! It has been a stressful week. I have a new boss, she is in Oregon. Why I don't know but what the hell why would they tell me anything?

I applied for a new job this week. Long Term Disablity. Who knows we will see. I am not going to stress about it. What will be will be. I am going to keep my nose clean and do my job. I will do what I have to do. If I don't get a new job right now. It will be. I believe I will get something or a new job at the right time.

I have not done any writing in a while. Sometimes I just don't know what to write. This weekend or tomorrow is Chris's birthday. 36!!My son is 36, I can't believe it. I really hope he has a great birhday. We will be having Mason tomorrow. It will be fun. I just love my grandchildren.

I will also be studying for the Insurance test, Ugh!! I will cause I have to. I will not fail this test.

Good night.

Life you just never know.

Work is really getting to me. I hate the way they will be doing things. I hate that you have clock out for this and for that. I hate that there is a committee to get a freaken day off. I hate you have to call some damn number to call and you don't talk to a person. This is such BS.

What do I want. I am having fun and making $50k. Fun and more money is important to me. Fun is #1. I want to feel usefull and have fun. I want to help and have fun. I want to love my job. I want to make a difference and have fun.

Fun, fun is important to me. I am 56 nd have not had much fun in my life. Fun thats what I demand.

There

Its been awhile.

Great news today. Chris's issue is resolved. Now he doesn't have to worry. Nothing over his head. It looks like Joe is getting married again. I don't know when but if its what he wants then I am happy for him. I do know Joe just adores Heather and I hope she loves him as much as he does her.

My job is to be supportive and I will. Well ok, today is Tuesday April 27. Chris was due on this day 36 years ago. I can't believe he will be 36 in a couple of weeks. It sure goes by fast.

I applied for a new job with Aetna and hopefully I will get it. I think. I want to start making more money and do more to help people. This just isn't enough. I know I will be good at this job. I don't know if I can trust J or R but if the job is for me then it will be.

Happy Easter

I haven't written in a few days. I went to Chris and NIkki's for Easter. I went yesterday. My dear Mason was a little terror. Hitting, yelling and being a bratty three year old. Chris isn't much help. Mason hits me and his mother and Chris laughs. He is a handfull. But oh I love him with all my heart. All the kids were together which was great. For me there is nothing like getting the family together. I just love it, Do I get tired? Yes but thats ok. I look at the kids and can't believe they are going to be 4 and Anna is 6. It sure goes bye fast. I don't know where the time goes.

Weight I did not do that great this weekend but thats ok. Tomorrow is another day. It helps with Neil doing it with me.

Polly is getting on my nerves but she is so miserable and making sure others are miserable too. She is very negative. I don't understand it. Why does she want to behave that way. She can make choices. She isn't positive about anything. But again, she never has been. Its exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting. I am going to bed.

I lost 3.6 lbs this week

I went to get weighed this am 3.6lb. I lost. I was happy about that. I will be more happy when I am under 200. I can't believe I am saying under 200.Why did it take me so long to say enough. Actually it wasn't me, it was Neil. He is getting tired of me being over weight. That s because I am tired of me being over weight. I want this done.

The leader today, said she lost 58 lbs in 6 months. I weigh 202 and I want to be 150. I will be 150 when I turn 156.Only on this birthday I will not start the descent of all that work going down the drain and me putting back on the weight. This is for good and I am so glad Neil and I are doing this together because it makes it easier for me.

I am watching a new program Kirstie's Big Life. She is struggling with weight but the whole world is watching her. Thank goodness they are not watching me. I went to the office on Friday and I was feeling self conscious about people seeing me and seeing the weight I put back on. I was embarrassed. I felt like a failure. But I will succeed to lose and will maintain.

Celebrate Life

I went with April to see Marcia today. All I can think about is the impact she made in my life. I spent so much time at their house. She would talk to me when I hated my mother. Yes I did I was a teenager. I saw her Christmas and today she seemed so much older. It was very sad. I know she will be gone soon. She is in pain and that is very difficult to watch. I will miss her. No I don't see her much but she was there.

Tonight a great get together with my face book and school friends. It was amazing seeing these women. What stories there lives could tell. I am in awe of all their strength and goodness and kindness.Plus they are a blast.

Life is to Celebrate and we all should remember.

God is Good

Great news today. Debbie is in remission. Its a miracle. She had been told at one time she had 3-6 mos to live. Now she is in remission. I am sure her family is thrilled. I haven't seen her in a long long time. I will see her tomorrow. I am excited for her.I am also looking forward to seeing Nancy who also is a cancer survivor and also had a heart transplant. Terrific women. I am awed

First Weight Watchers Metting ......Again

This morning I went to my weight watchers meeting. How much do I weigh, TOO DAMN MUCH thats what. I weigh 205.6. I can't believe it oh what a lie, yes I believe it. Thats why I started WW again. If I thought I weighed much less than this could you can bet I wouldn't have been there this morning. Where did it end Or the beginning of the end what on my birthday over a year ago. I ate what I wanted, I started working at home and not walking or having support. I gained since then over 40 lbs. I am able to look at food and gain weight. Does that mean, I don't overeat no it does not. I can eat when I am hungry, when I am bored, when I am happy or sad or mad or anything in between. I eat cause its there. Wouldn't it be great if hmmm I wanted something good for me when I am stressed. I thought I was smart when I bought the Cinnamon buns from holey donuts. Talk about denial. They are 7 points and I can eat two a day. Ok I will eat two a day. Which is 14 points. I have 24 points a day. Now you know I have to eat an eat more good stuff. For me its I can have what I want but it has to be in moderation. Like right now, I have 3 points left and I want to go eat something so should I maybe. I am not hungry.

Off to another adventure food and wight and my life

Food Food and mor food

I want it I like it and I have to have it. DAMN!! Tomorrow I go to my first ww meeting. I know I wont like what I see but have to be real and not lie or hide. Speaking of hiding. I hate the fact that I wont work in ME Thursday and Friday because I am embarassed at my size. I find that so sad and PATHETIC. That is where I am and there is nothing I can do tonight.

I want to say I had a great time with Ryan today. He is quite a boy

And she grew and she grew and she grew.....

Who grew? Me thats who? I have never ever been this big in my life. Its bad enough when your pants are a little too tight but the sweater arms are too tight. When I button my pants there isn't a muffin top its a three layer top. Food isn't the answer. Food isn't even the problem. The problem is me. What am I shoving down my throat. Why? Stress oh yea there has been tons of stress. Who the heck doesn't have stress in their lives? When I am stressed I want carbs, sugar all kinds of sugar. Right now I want a cinnamon roll. Maybe I should have it because beginning on Sunday it aint gonna happen. They are 7 points. Did I know that yea I did but who cares. Did I eat one today. Hmmm yes and I will eat another one tonight.Because right now it is calling me.

I know how sick all this sounds. But there it All I know is I am sick of thinking, talking, worrying about it. I want it done once and for all.

I bought a book Women, Food, and God and hopefully it will give me some insight.

But right now the cinnamon roll is calling me and I am answering UGH!!

Hear Ye HearYe Pat made a mistake and she didn't do the right thing.....WRONG

I was so pissed at work today. An email went to the call center stating Pat Hickey CSR took a call and the call was to go to Intake and the call dropped. She should have called the EE back.

I was pissed. One who the hell does she think she is and two I can't make outbound calls. I sent her an email and thanked her for the information and asked her why she sent it to everyone. After a few minutes she sent me oh I am sorry. Some of the women in my team were so supportive to me. They email my boss and told them they thought this was unacceptable. Faye sent an email saying it was unacceptable. Karen went and talk to the team. Then I hear from her Iam so sorry. Bullshit. She didn't like it that someone said something to her.
I have no problem when I make a mistake but I find it unacceptable for someone to tell the whole world. She is such a bitch to begin with.

It takes me back to when people want to humiliate me or I should say I have been humiliated in front of other people.

Well tomorrow is another day. She didn't apologize to the team either. BITCH

This is a repeat....Monday Monday

Monday Monday is right and I am sick of the rain. It is very depressing. The weather is horrible everywhere. Its like the United States is gloomy. Of course its gloomy. There doesn't seem to be much optimism. But

I have money $5mil. Neil has $5mil My kids have $1mil each, My grandkids have $1mil in a trust fund for education and then when they are much older.

Money willtake care of our needs.

Our marriages are healthy, our childr4en nd grandchildren are all doing fine.


thank You God for this abundance

Its Friday, Yea

This weekend is going to be busy. Tomorrow going to Maine, bringing Molly to the beauty parlor, going to look at fabricd and then to Hannah's party. It will be a little awkward because Heather isn't there. I haven't see them in over a month adn so much has changed for her and her little sister Taylor. Neil and I will be meeting her sisters and other family members. I don't know how this will go but for Hannah we will do anything. We want her to know that we still love her and she is still part of the family.

Famly is not blood. Love is

What a day

This has been a very frustrating day. The computer at work has been a pain. It would go down and take forever for it to work. I got up at 6:30, which was good. I was able to enjoy coffee and read the paper before Neil got up. Tomorrow is Friday yea ha. Saturday Molly goes to the beauty parlor and we go to Hannah's birthday party. It will be good to see everyone.

Anyhow we went to dinner at the Tavern and spent over $50. At a tavern, bar thats crazy and the food isn't that good to begin with. We should have just stayed home but we didn't. Came home and tried to set up the DVR. I did a couple of programs. So hopefully I will be able to record more. If not I will call Comcast on Friday.

I am tired, agian

Its maintenance day

Busy day. People were crabby but after work. I decided to do some personal maintenance. I did the eyebrows, shave the legs, and use new hair cleanser Wen. It feels nice and healthy. I do have good hair but I need to learn how to design my hair. OH I am so tired today. Joe went for a job interview. He is not a lazy man. When one door closes there is an open window.

I saw my dentist and he made me happy

A dentist made me happy. Now that doesn't make sense does it. Well he gives me a little gas and I am fine. I relax and he does what he needs to do. And I don't care. The time goes by quickly. Art is very professional and takes care of his patients. He loves his work and he understands the stress of going to the dentist. He says when he goes to the dentist, he also wants a little gas to relax. He told me today thatmedical people are usually the worst. That makes me laugh. I wonder why no other dentist in all the years I have gone, didn't ever offer me gas. Well I am glad I have it now. It works and not so stressful on going to the dentist.

Thanks Artie

Spring is on its way yea!!

I look outside and see green. It makes me happy. I love green. Its very soothing. Ok maybe I should paint my room a green soothing color. I don't like brown. Thats it I just don't like it. Bland bland bland. No life. I am ready for life, sun, color, fresh smell. When I see it all I see hope. Today I feel hopefull. I got a nice compliment from a customer. That made me feel good. It helps. There are days when I can't take one more complaint or someone yellling at me but its not me. Its the situation.But its almost spring. New beginnings. Yea. I am doing Easter and happy about it. Any chance to see my babies. They make me smile

Spring a new beginning. I hope so

What a beautiful day. Sunny outside and warm outside. We all know hate housework. I did some cleaning today. My bedroom and bathroom looks good. I vacuumed. I dyed my hair. Ye ha. My hair is getting longer and I think I like it. I still have to wax but I am not in the mood. I bought some Advil pm so hopefully I will sleep tonight. I am tired now.

I will be having Easter here this year. It won't be fancy but it should be fun with the kids. Hopefully we can have an Easte Egg Hunt an kids playing together. I love spring.

God are you there? Can I talk to you?

Dear God,

Have you been around? Are you working with someone else or are you sending things our way to see if we have the right stuff. Ok, I know I as a parent have made mistakes but how long does my family have to pay for it. You know Joe, we didn't think Heather would be sent to jail. Joe doesn't do too well by himself. He really wants to be a good dad. He wants to have his children with him. But he keeps losing his jobs because of the economy. Can you give him a break. I am counting on you to provide a job for him, money to take care of his family, a home for his family, and somehow Heather. Is that too much to expect. I don't think so. When I say money I mean enough to take care of his needs. Housing, food, bills paid including insurance health and car. Come on God you are bigger than all of us and all of this. I counted on you to make this right for Joe and his family. The family for him includes Heather, Hannah, Taylor, and Anna, Blake and Cole. I don't understand why its so hard for him. So God where are you? I need to know that you are going to take care of my kids. How many men who are divorced work as hard as he has to take care of his kids. Well come on he wants to be bad a good day.

I count on you so please give Joe a break. I don't know how much more he can take. His name is not Job but Joe and he is only 29.

I am pretty much begging you to give Joe what he needs, job, money, home, Heather. So come on do your job and give him these things.

While we are at it. Give Neil a great job that pays him $200K, I want $50K and I want this thing with Chris to go away. You are bigger than all of us so I expect big things from you.

Ok I am still begging. Please God?

Neil and I are making $250k per year

I am so thrilled that Neil and I are making enough money to take care of our family. Joe at this time knows that we can take of him if it needs to be done. The bills are taken care of. We are able to go to Disney World with our family. We are able to pay for it. We are able to gve them wonderful memories. Neil has a wonderful job that pays him well and he is appreciated. I have a wonderful job that pays me well and love. I am appreciated and I am doing a damn good job.

We are grateful

A life, my hours have changed...for now anyhow

I got a call today from my boss. Yahoo, I will be working from 9:30-6:00 beginning tomorrow. What does that mean for me? Well, dinner with Neil. Going out after work,maybe a quilting class, shows, drinks with Neil and maybe others. Hopefully. It will be light soon after work. Sitting outside. I am so excited. It sounds nuts but no more working till 8.

Is there a con for this yep but I will live with it. I will miss hours when I have to see a doctor. Oh well, thats life.

Thank you for thisw

Why does space and exploring space excite me.

Tonight is we watched going to the moon in 1969. Watching it was exciting. I remember watching it and getting excited. I don't remember the last time this country was excited about much of anything. It seems for so long we have been talking about negative issues. The economy is awful, war is all around us, health care or lack of it, horrible housing situations. I don't know how long it can go on. We need to look at something that is extraordinary. Back in 69 it was walking on the moon. Today I don't know. But we need this. We need hope. We need dreams. We need to get our imaginations excited.Plus we need to see all this happen. We need the possibilities and see the possibilities realized

I like creature comforts

The last time I blogged was on Thursday night. Then we lost power. The winds that night were like tornado winds. It was horrible. Molly was not impressed. I was a little fearful that we would have windows coming through. No power. Which means, no tv, no news, no lights, no hot water. I hate cold showers. I like warm, I like heat, I like tv, I like having a washer and dryer. I like to be comfortable. Its the things that make us comfortable. Being able to use a hair dryer. Being able to use my computer, warm water. Camping is not for me. I was just thankful that it didn't get real cold. It would have been allot worse. I just want my creature comforts. Me in survivor I don't think so. I don't want to have to hunt for my food, handwash my clothes and wash up in cold water. I don't want any part of it. OK I am spoiled, what can I say. I will say, Thank You GOD for my home, heat and food.

Good bye Maria

This is my second good bye this year and really I don't like it. Maria I haven't seen you since high school. But I have heard of you through out the years. I understand you developed schizophrenia. What a horrible disease. It is the thief that comes into the night and steals your thoughts, your dreams, and your life. Its a son of a bitch. I hate it.

I remember when we were in school and your brother was hit by a car. I remember in sixth grade and you had saddle shoes and I wanted them in the worst way. I thought you were so cool. Cool in the way that you had class. You were kind, nice to everyone. Yes you were a cheerleader and one of the smart ones but not snobby. I thought you were one of the nicest.

When I heard about you have schizophrenia I was so sad for you and your family. I worked in the mental health field for years. In a way I had hoped you would end up at Ingraham but you didn't. You probably would have been embarrassed so maybe its a good thing you didn't. I have thought of you every once in awhile over the years.
I hope you had some peace in your life. I know you and your dog died together and that must have been peaceful for you.

Rest my friend

Its February, ugh

I hate the month of February. I know it is the shorestday of the month but it feels like it goes on forever. Its cold, windy, slushy and cloudy. I am just sick of it. Its the mood of us all that is outside. That is how we feel. Like it is never going to end. I am worried about Joe. His anxiety attacks, he has lst 35 lbs, not sleeping. Plus not working. He needs to see a doctor and gets meds. No money. Its February ugh. I want sunshine and lightness. I want that for my children too. Or just for my children. I will deal with the gray but I don't want that for them.

I will be glad when February is over.

Drugs we all need drugs

My friends Denise, April and I have sons and we are all very worried about them. Denise and April's sons are married to crazy women. One tried to stab him, one is trying to keep his mother away from her son. Then for me the love of his life is in jail. Now when our sons none of this every entered our minds that our sons would be caring, loving these women who have so many problems. I never thought Joe would have been involved with a woman who may have alcohol issues, gets into a car accident and kills someone then ends up in jail.

Denise never thought her son would marry a woman who would not be loving to her son and would try to stab him and his friend.

April's son married a woman who wants to keep him all to herself and put a wedge between April and her son. This woman calls April a liar and wants nothing to do with her.

Why is the title drugs we all need drugs. Because these women and the problems our sons are having which in turn we are having because in order for us to survive this we need our drugs, ativan, xanax or whatever.

I will take a 1/2 tab please

The mother gene goes on and on

I remember when I was bringing up my children and I couldn't wait until hey were grown and I wouldn't have to worry about them. HUH!! What the hell wasw I thinking. Its called denial. I still worry but now its about my children and grandchildren. If my children hurt then their children hurt. It is so heartbreaking. I wish I could take it all away. Is it selfish, probably. Why do they have to worry about the basic necesseties and a place to live.

I will buy Joe his own home. I bought Joe his own home. Joe is living in his own home. Joe and his children are doing great.

This is all I can take.

Joe I love you nd the babies

I don't believe in justice anymore

The judicial system is crooked. It all depends on who you know and how much money you have. If that wasn't the truth Heather would be home with her girls. If that wasn't the truth this wouldn't have happened to Chris today. I am not saying they are completely innocent but I am saying they are not guilty of these crimes. I wish I could help Joe but I can't. I need $50k to help my kids. Joe could get a trailer and have some money. Chris would have some of his debts paid off. I don't understand. So God where are you? How is this going to help Hannah and Taylor? How is this going to help Heather or Joe or his kids? How? How is this going to help them believe. Right now they all see injustice and not much mercy. I have to say at this time that is all I see too.

SO GOD WHERE ARE YOU? I am so tired of the trials and tribulations that my family goes through. Why us all the time? Have I been such a horrible person that they have to suffer. Kill me if that is what it takes for my family to have a peaceful life. I will gladly give my life for them. I will take Heather's place so she can be with her family. If Chris goes to jail I will die because I am so done with all of this. I can't take much more. I will gladly surrender my life for them. Their children need them. All the lives that are being ruined. For what? I don't understand. I want some answers DAMN IT!!

Is there justice. I don't know

Today Joe found out Heather may be getting 8-15 years. Unbelievable to me. It just doesn't make sense to me. There are people who belong in jail and aren't. I don't get it at all. I am concerned for her kids more than anyone. They need their mother. When it comes to this, I don't know what to think.

But on a positive note, Nikki has a new job, Much more money and hopefully this will help them.

I will be glad when Thursday is over

When its my time to go, I am going

Monday, Monday, all ready. Neil didn't work today. Allot of companies didn't work.Butwe did.I guess its ok. I have a job. One that pays not great but what are you going to do? I sent a request for Long Term Care information. I don't want my kids taking care of me at all. If Neil got sick first I would take care of him but if I got sick after he was gone. I don't know what would happen. My kids will have their own lives and I will not be burden on them. I just as soon not be around for that. Care for the elderly is so expensive. Right now its 6k per month and that is private pay. I don't want any money we have to go for my care cause I can't take care of myself. I would rather not be around. I want a quality life not necessarily and quantity of life. What is the point of living to a ripe old age if you are not living but just existing. I don't want it. If I can't feed myself or take care of myself I am outa here. There is no dignity is not be able to take care of yourself. What is the point? Life is for the living not for existing

Valentines Day

Valentines Day a day where you are suppe to show people you love that you love them and they love you. This day use to mean allot to me but not anymore. I ws thinkingt about it and wondered why.

In the years before, I wanted tocards and the flowers. I wanted someone to show me and a card or flowers was the way. But this year, Neil cleaned the house when I was in Maine and that meant more to me than any card or flowers. Being treated with respect, kindness, and love is the best present ever. Cards because they feel like they have to give and then being disrespected is nothing.

Coming home from Maine and not having to worry about picking up wasw great. Did Neil wash the floor or dust, no does it matter to me no it doesn't it. He picked up and vacuum. The best.

We talked about the budget today.I hate talking about money. Because I am the one who is bad with money. So after discussing how I can cut my spending, I watch QVC, HSN and I order a cam corder, and kitchen shears. So tonight I cancelled this order. Really I have a camcorder that I don't use and shears hell do I really need shears. Its crazy how I look, see, and think I need so I buy. What do I need. ok, I bought two pair of shoes which I did need. I bought two bags, which I don't need but I am keeping. I have to starts thinking about thrift shopping. Especially for clothes or ifr I buy to make sure it is real cheap. No retail, cheap cheap cheap. There are things that I should get new but most things not really. Well maybe I don't want usede but I want inexpensive. The shoes were 30 each. The bags were more expensive. No more bags for me this year until the fall.

I have to press the pause button when I want to buy something. Like I tell my kids press the pause the button. I have to follow my own advise.

Junk food junk food, I know I know its not good for me

Food foodand more food. I love thinking about it, cooking it and eating it and it doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. This morning I went to the grocery store to get ingredients to make a chocolate raspberry cheesecake. I bought it except the damn preserves but I came out with Archway cookies strawberry and raspberry, cheetos and chips and coffee cake. I just love this stuff. I love the orange on my fingers, the grease from the chips. What can I say about sugar. I just love it. Of course sugar is with butter, hell sugar and butter how can someone go wrong. ITS BAD for me. Why the hell is that? Why can't I eat sugar, butter when I want and how much I want damn.

Then there is chocolate. What can I say about chocolate. The light milk chocolate which is sweet is good and smooth but no depth. I always did like milk chocolate but now I love dark chocolate. Dark chocolate has layers. The first taste can be a little bitter, then the meling begins and it covers my tongue and carresses it an its rich. Chocoalte can be fun like m&m's, raisins or nuts. Decadence chocolate is with hazlenuts, caramel, cherries.

I remember the first time I had chocolate covered cherries. My grandmother came to visit when we were kids. I bought her a box and she put it in her drawer and I would steal one. It was forbidden but so worth stealing and eating. Good food, decadent food, food not good for me is forbidden but sometimes so worth sneaking it and eating it.

From your lips to Gods ears

What a day! Lots of changes coming to our office. Denise was notified she is going to Aetna 1. Not do you want, we would appreciate. Nothing like that. She was told, she is going to Aetna 1. She was so upset because she loved her job and her boss. I felt horrible for her. She said she is over the shock. I know she will be great.

I talked to a custormer today and we were saying we are so sick of bad news. He was saying we should have good news newspapers. Like "Pat won the lottery and will never have to work again." I told him from his lips to Gods ears.

Its not the working. I would love lots of money so I can help my kids. Especially Joe. he is constantly struggling. I worry.

Tomorrow I will finally do Heather's letter. I don't believe jail is the place for her butwhat the hell do I know. I really didn't believe she would be found guilty and go to jail. Just shows what I know and what I believed was God telling me not to worry she is not going to jail. I guess I don't listen very well. I just don't understand it.

But for tonight. I give it over to God to take care of all this.

From your lips to Gods ears

Will I or wont I have a job. Plus do I care

I found out today that there will be more layoffs at Aetna in March. This time it is the disability department. We will see. There is part of me that would like to be laid off but I am scared. I need to work. I like earning my own money. I am 55 years old. Who in hell is going to hire someone my age. Lets face it. They don't want to. They want young people. On the other hand I could spend time with my grandchildren especially in the summer. I could go to Joes and help with the kids. Or bring them here. I want to make more money.

I work with people
I love my job
I am respected
I earn between 38-40k a yea
I have 4 weeks vacation
I have 7 sick days
I have 9 holidays

That is what I have. Anyhow, went to the dentist and got a new temp crown. I thought I was going to need a root canal but didn't. Artie called to see how I am doing. Great. Ihave to say this is the first time any dentist called to see how I am. Says allot about him as an AP and as a person.

I am impressed.

I am tired. will go to sleep. I got a gorgeous new bag.

2010 not a year of rest

Its only 2/8/10 and I am tired. Already...Its been stressful. Heather in jail, Joe falling apart, Chris and my job. I am so resenting the attitude of the people who are in charge at Aenta. Janice has become a huge dissapointment as a "manager". She really is into the " I am Janice manager, hear me roar." Crap, the attitude of our managers, not team leads but managers suck. They have the attitude. Be glad you have a job. Does not give me a feeling of warm and fuzzies. I am getting very resentful of the way we are all treated. " you are have job, work till 8. Its bullshit. I am so sick of this crap. I want a new job, working with people. being respected, no nights at all, oow at 4:30-5:00, M-F, $38,000-$40,000, 4 weeks vacation 7 days sick days and 9 holidays. this is what I want

This is my new job
work with peopl
38-40k
4 weeks vacation
7 sick days
respected
9 holidays

Plus $50k in my account

This is what I have

I love to cook

I love cooking big. Tomorrow I am going to cook beef briciole. I am cooking muffins, roast chicken, pasta fagiole, and potatoes. I just love it. I love trying new recipes. I love home made. I really don't like prepared food. I love the smell of the house when food is cooking. It smells like love. Microwave smells nothing. With cooking you put in your spices and touches and especially if it is cooking slow and the more it cooks the more the smells come alive. When someone smacks their lips and enjoys the food, it warms my heart. I get so excited just thinking about it. I want to take some cooking classes.

Yum

TGIF

Thank God Its Friday.

I am so glad it is the weekend. Its been a long week and I have been yelled at all week. This weekend a contractor will be over to give an estimate on the basement. I am cooking and sewing and reading.
I like to cook, read and sew. I do want to go to breakfast. I love breakfast. blueberry pancakes or crepes, bacon eggs, biscuits yum. Plus or first coffee. Jeez that would work for me righ now.

I am going to relax and get some sleep.

Happy Birthday to my two wonderful grandsons, Blake and Cole. 4 years old, sweetheart. I love you both

What does a 55 year old woman wants to do for fun

Or my bucket list. Life is too short. What do I want to do before I die.

1. Go to Sonoma and go on wine tours and eat.
2. Go to Italy and Greece, drink and eat.
3. Go to a balloon festival in Alburquerque
4. Write, write
5. Learn to speak French,Italian, and Spanish
6. Ballroom dancing
7. Take my grandkids to Disney
8. Teach my grandkids to cook
9. learn to sing
10. finally get rid of the weight
11. take cooking classes, Italian
12. embroidery and applique on quilts
13. long arm quilting

NOT ONE MORE THING!!!

I have had it. If anything more happens to my family. I am so done! It is such crap. Chris better not get indicted cause I can't take it. He gets robbed and he gets arrested. Its bullshit. I am so not trusting the "justice" system. I think the whole system is crooked. They all lie and full of it. I don't trust any of them. This country has gone to the way of no rights for the citizens. Tell them the truth, they lie. They are out to destroy the people in this country. The country is controlled by a "group" of people.

I will never trust the police, the prosecutors or the system again.

Its pretty sad but its how I feel.

thank you

He is getting married

Joe wants to get married again. Heather is going to prison and he is freaking out that he wont be able to see Heather for 6 weeks when she goes to Windham.This is so surreal. How do I wrap my head around this? I really don't know. It freaks for me out. One decision that affected so many lives. A woman was killed, a boy and man lost their wife and mother and that doesn't even count the other people in her life. Heather's girls lost their mother for who knows how long. Joe and his kids lost Heather. He will be able to have visits and phone calls. He loves her. My grandkids love her. Was she drunk who knows. I don't know. Their was so much wrong with this case. The in consistency, the shoddy workmanship, I don't get it. What can I do, I don't know.

It is going to be hard for Joe when his kids go home and he is alone. But he will work through it.

Will she or wont she? She wont

This is coming to an end. She finds out tomorrow if she goes home or not. She will be going home to her daughters and Joe. She, Joe and the people who love her will be able to breathe.

The DA has no case. I know in my heart things will be fine. I knew it a year and a half ago and I know it now. She and Joe will be able to decide what their future will be. They have been living with this over their head for most of their relationship. What will they focus on after? Hopefully it will be to enjoy each other and their family.

Their family is large. They have 5 kids between them. They are 6 and 3. The boys will be 4 next week. They all love Heather very much. I know she loves the children and Joe. I guess I do have a concern that when she comes home, she will look at her life and decide she has many more options that doesn't include Joe. If that is the way it is, it is better to find out. He does love her very much. Hearing him talk about her and how much he loves her makes my heart proud and hopefully not break for him.

Tomorrow we celebrate! Thank you GOD

Do I really need more stuff?

I am always looking to buy stuff. New stuff, gadgets,handbags. I try to fool myself and say I am not going to buy anything But before I know it I am watching QVC or HSN or go on overstock. I had a handbag come in today. I had thought I cancelled it but I didn't. Unfortunately, I like it so I am keeping it. I got The Nook today and I don't think I am going to keep it. I told Neil and he told me to send it back. Do I really need it No I don't but it feels good to get stuff. But being out of debt will feel better. So I guess I just made up my mind. I am sending it back. I also ordered Annah another sewing machine because she didn't like her other one. Come on, I don't see her often enough for her to get into sewing. Why do I do that. The sick part of it, is I will lie about it. I am going to send it back. It just doesn't make sense.

For me its stopping it. I have to take a deep breath and stop spending.

I have to figure out what to do and how to do it consistently.

A work in progress.

If only my kids would have listened to me

I am worried about Joe. I am worried he is going to have his heart broken.He has given her everything and she doesn't see it. He is not perfect but he loves her. She is going through the most difficult time in her life and he never thought of walking.

I on the other hand told him to run like hell. When he first started seeing her, he was concerned about her drinking. I told him run. He broke up with her but he couldn't leave her. Then she gets into a car accident after a couple of drinks and another woman was killed. Was she responsible, I don't think so but I told him to run. This week is a trial for manslauter. I don't think she will get convicted. But she is being nasty and so is he. She doesn't see her behavior at all. She has an attitude of her way or the highway. She gets mad at Joe's kids but her kids, Hannah especially is spoiled and manipulative. She says she is sensitive. Hannah is running her mother and her father. I understand her dad and girlfriend have had a fight about Hannah. She eats what she wants. She doesn'T have to eat what every one else eats. Well as long as she is able to get away with it, she will.

Anyway, I am going up there on Wednesday and am concerned because I don't know how they will be. If its too much, I am going to a hotel. I don't have to take it anymore. But hopefully, it wont be a bad thing. I hope to not be in the way. The thing that is ticking me off is now I am expected to take care of Hannah and Taylor. I wanted to go up there to be with my son. Be his support. I love him more than anything. Just because he is an adult, doesn't mean he doesn't need his mother.

If Joe would have listened, he wouldn't have married Beth, moved to east gish and met Hearther. But if he hadn't, Savannah, Cole and Blake wouldn't be here.

Oh yea, thats another thing. I wont be seeing my grandkids. I will try to get to see them. I miss them very much.

Saturday

SAturday, good day. We went to breakfast, blueberry pancakes. I just love them. We went to the home show and bought a beautiful cherry cutting board that is about 2 inches thick. It is from downed trees. It is cherry. I always wanted one like this. $75. which is 1/2 price. I know it sounds expensive but it will be around longer than me. My kids and grandkids will fight over it.

Joe called twice today. Heather is stressed out and taking it out on Joe. I just dont't know what to say to him. I want to tell him to run like hell. But he is stuck, so when I have my $50K in my account, I will help him move if that is what he wants. I want him and the babies to have a stable life. He will have it and I am proud of him.

I told him that Neil and I wanted to take turns having the grandkids one per month. We had a great time with Mason last weekend. In February we will probably take Joe's kids. Yes there are three but it will be great. Neil will take the Monday off. Poor guy. At least I don't have to drive to work on Mondays. I just have to walk into another room.

So this week will be challenging but I know in my heart things will be fine. Whatever it may be.

Food

Food, I think allot about food. What to eat, what do cook, that to buy. I do love cooking and trying new recipes. This past week I made three meals in one day and we ate it all week. Spaghetti sauce, was good and spicy. Risotto, oh my God I ate it all week for lunch, so good. Now I know why they call it comfort food. The rice was creamy and with the mushrooms , shrimp and cheese it was so good. So now do I make more this week. I can make some and put some chicken in it. My mouth is watering just thinking about. I made soup and I still have one serving left. So good, hot comforting and filling. Yummy! So I think I will make a clam chowder and I don't know what else.

I am watching the food network, "The best thing I ever eat. For me the best is creme brulee and at Buckley's , so good. I just want to go and cook something decadent or better yet have someone else cook and serve. Food, I just love food.

So tomorrow, I will cook again. Can't wait.

My sons love

We never know who we will fall in love with. A few years ago, my son fell in love with a young woman with two kids. She got into a car accident. She had a few drinks. A woman was killed. She is now going to trial next week. When my son first told me about her and a problem she was dealing with, I told him to run. Run as fast as he could. He said he tried, but he couldn't. He loves her. He felt and still does that he is suppose to be with her.

What if she goes to jail? I don't know how he will deal with it. Will he be able take care of his kids with out him. Will he manage? He is so much like his mother. Emotional. He says he is feeling sick just thinking of losing her. They really haven't thought of the possibility of her not being there, until today.

He doesn't know what to do. They haven't talked to their children. They all love her so much. Of course, her girls love her. His kids love her too. They love her and she loves them.

I really believe it will be fine. I am just concerned.

She will be home for her children and my son and grandchildren.

Politics

Today was a big day in Massachusetts. An election to take Ted Kennedy's seat. The democrat lost and the repulican won. Commentators thinks its because of health care but it isn't. Massachusetts has health care for everyone. Its because of the debt,and the sneaking around and doing things under the covers.People are sick of it. We were told that no more sneaking around and doing things behind closed doors. Well that is a lot of sneaking around. They have been lying and taking us for fools. People are sick of it. Sick of people who have gotten away with trying to destroy the country with the money and greed. They get away with it. It really ticks me off and apparently not just me. Everyone is tired of not being heard. Everyone is tired of being taken for as shmucks.

Politics is everywhere and we are listening but they better be hearing.

food, fun, and entertainment, how?

I did not have to work today. So I cooked. I made Pasta Fagiole, spaghetti sauce and risoto with mushrooms, shrimp and onions and parmesan cheese. So good. The soup was little different cause it had lemon but it was good. My lunch for the week. The risotto was good. The problem with me is I don't know how to cook for 2. How do you scale down, soup, rice, and sauce. Yes, I will freeze some sauce, maybe make chicken parmesan but what do we do with the other stuff like risotto. Can you freeze it? Have no idea, but I will figure out what to do with it. I don't want to throw any food away.

I love to cook, I wish I could cook more for my friends and feel comfortable doing it. Like Carlos and Maggie. I am so intimidated by Maggie. I want to have them over but I have this thought that she will be critigueing me. I know this is my stuff but she is still so anal. I want to entertain more. So hopefully I will be going to dinner with Denise and Pete this weekend which will be fun.

So next month, I am planning a dinner party. good food, good drinks, good company. The problem is finding the entertainment, music, movies, games who knows

Here I am 55 and really don't know how to entertain. Crazy isn't, so out of my comfort zone and will just do it.

I want to be an astronaut when I grow up.

We went to the McAuliffe Planetarium with Mason my grandson today. When I was a kid I watch the moonwalk and I said I was going to be an astranaut. Well that didn't work but I love the idea and adventure of discovering the wide open space and infinite possibilities of outer space.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen because I was not a top student,didn't have the discipline and there was no way I told anyone.

There was lots of things I wanted to do, teach, surf, sing, sing well. I did teach but not a certified teacher, surf, um no I can't swim. Sing unfortunately no. I really would like to sing well.

But going into space. If I had 20 million, I would go up with the Russians. If I had 30k, I would buy a plain ticket for the first ride. But I don't. I don't know when it will ever happen.

So discovery excites me but giving up is part of me. I want for it to be easy and of course it isn't. I can give up to easy or get frustrated because I am not able to and I give up. I hate looking stupid or feeling insecure or inferior. For crying out loud, I am 55 years old, get over it allready.

But I do have to say I am more adventerous than some. I did jump out of a plane on my 31st burthday. I do like trying new things, I have lived in different parts of the country. But I have put stop signs on things I would like to do. I want to ballroom dance, salsa dance, sing sing sing, I want to take cooking lessosns. I will go to Italy one day and travel the country side, eat, and damn it have a pair of shoes made for me. They will cost plenty but I will. Maybe I will live in Italy, I will learn to speak the language. I will have a great adventure. Maybe not out of space but it will be wanderful and exciting.

I want to wash that gray right out of my hair....Again

and again and again. I said I was going to just let it go gray. Then I started looking, really looking. Ummm, I don't think so. So at 11:30pm, I dye my hair. I was little concerned cause my hair was red with lots of gray and I looked at what I had and it is a blond beige color. I was concerned it would be Lucy red. Didn't want that. But it looks nice with a little red highlights. So I go up to Neil and said what do you think, dumb dumb dumb, I should no better. So he says, looks fine. What the hell. Does it look good, does it suck what? I don't know why you are worried about it, he said.

Ok I think it looks good, so that should be good enough. It is enough. Anyhow I also plucked my eyebrows and they look good too.

I would love to go to a hairdresser for a haircut and color. But once I start that again, it goes on and on and on with lots of money being spent.

Speaking of money. I paid off my Kohls charge. So now I just owe Discover and Bill Me later. I will have bill me later next month. Then I will be chewing up Discover. I would love it paid up quick but for $10000 it will be next year. I hope. I am working on it

Why do so many suffer

Watching Anderson Cooper again they are showing a funeral for a woman. The coffin is on a scooter. She died because there was not enough help to have help. There are dead people everywhere. My God, I can't imagine what these people are going through. It is so heartbraking. The island of Haiti's people have gone through so much. They are a poor country who live on nothing. What little they have is gone. People are taking advantage of others. I am hearing a little girl crying but she is pinned under rocks. I just can't imagine it. What if it was my family. I don't know if I could stand it. The people in this country suffer and suffer. We live in this country and bitch about what. People really are suffering. The homeless here also suffer but we in this country have water. Damn it water. They don't have good clean water. We do not see dead people in the streets. Yes, I know it was horrible for people who were involved in Katrina but you know what there was water. I don't want to minimize the suffering people go through in this country and they shouldn't have to. It just boggles my mind how people live in other parts of the world. Haiti, some parts of Africa and other areas.

One thing I learned today is Haiti does not have any exports. No exports no income. Thats the way it is. So what does happen? I saw on the news today, there is a little boy in Haiti and an adoptive mother in New Hampshire, she has been waiting two years for the adoption to be finalized. Why does it take so long? He is two years old. Its been going on since he was a new born. He should be here in the US.

Now I am watching Dr. Gupta on CNN and he is taking care of a 15 day old baby. The baby's mother died. She has a cut on her head. The mother would probably have breast fed her and now how will she eat. I want to bring her home. It just kills me. There is not a damn thing that I can do. She needs anti-biotics, where will she get them?

May God Bless Her and the people in that country. I ask God to give them what is needed.

Feeling helpless

I am watching Anderson Cooper who is in Haiti about the devastating earthquake. There are people who are dead in the streets. People lost everything homes, loved ones. They don't have the basics like water. Imagine not having enough water to drink. I have to force myself to drink water. It sounds so strange, that I don't drink enough and there are people who are desparately looking for water to drink.

What is going to happen to these people. What about people who are dead, the disease and more devastation. I watch and think what can I do to help? Nothing, give a few dollars, so what. I feel like I should be doing something. I want to take some of these people and feed them, let them bathe and hold them while they cry. But no all I can do is watch the horror on TV and know there is nothing, not a damn thing I can do.

I hate feeling helpless. I remember years ago with the War in Kosovo, I wanted to go there and help but of course I couldn't.

I do get so angry when I see people taking advantaqe of others. They start rumors,so people will leave there things and they steal what little people have. That is behavior that I don't understand.

I didn't understand it whenit happened in New Orleans either. It just pisses me off. How dare they steal from their own people and take advantage of others, when they are in such a bad place.

May GOD be with them

Pissed Off that I don't feel safe in my home

Just when we were getting ready to go to bed, we locked the front door and someone was parked at the end of the road. Yes, they were under a light but its cold and why were they there. I just started thinking about the murder in Milford when 4 punks broke into a house a killed a woman and hurt her daughter. They laughed about it, thought it was funny. Gives me the creeps. I was going to call the police but the car left. My imagination is going round and round. Who are they? Why were they parked there? Will they come back? What would I do if someone broke in my house? We have guns but they are locked up. Could I even have the nerve to shoot someone. I don't know. I think I would if someone went to hurt someone I loved or my dog. I hope that if someone went to hurt me I would be able to shoot someone. But I don't know because again I don't have axcess to a gun. With grandchildren I don't want any accidents and someone to get hurt. So what is someone to do. I don't know. But I am pissed that I am even thinking about this. How dare someone break into someone's home and brutalize them and take away there peace.

What those boys did was take away everyone's peace. I always have the doors locked. Even during the day. People have broken into our cars. Now they are in the garage. Ever since I have owned homes no one has ever broken into my house or my cars. Punks, I can't stand it. Why do they do it? Are they bored? Are they on drugs? Damn it, now I am getting really pissed. Little bastards.

I will not let them win though. My home is a place where I want to relax and feel comfortable and safe. Bastards.

Monday, Monday

It is Monday. Where did the weekend go? I remember my son Joe said to me one day. Weekends are for fun. I hate having to do things on weekends. I think we spend too much time working. I think we should work 3 days and then have 4 days to do what we need for our life including fun.

Monday is a tough day. Especially in January. Its cold. Who wants to go out in it. Not me. We don't like having to go to work. I want the choice well hell who doesn't. I told Neil that in 15 years when I am 70 years I better not be having to work. I will be a crabby old lady. Just call me Maxine! HAHA

I didn't even clean up and I know when I go downstairs tomorrow, I wont be happy to see the mess. Oh well. Maybe I will go down later if I am not sleeping and clean it up.

I am watching QVC and they are selling a computer. I love the one I have right now. Cause its small and pretty light but I can read it.

I am tired. Hopefully I will sleep.

Things left undone

Things left undone. That is the motto of my life. My plans today was to find my bracelet. I didn't. Call in my prescriptions. I didn't. Do the laundry. Half done. I have to put it away. Make date squares. I didn't. Move my furniture. I didn't. Clean out my drawers. I didn't. Clean the bathroom. I didn't.

What did I do? took apart my bed and cleaned under it. Cleaned under the bedroom furniture. Cooked dinner, cleaned up after. My list is never done. I would like one day to not have a have to list. I want a list of fun things that do get done.

How about a bucket list? What do I want to do before I die. I really want to eat my way around the world. Ok, around Epcot. I don't want to get on a plane, unless its first class. I want to learn to cook amazing food. I really want to learn to cook outstanding Italian Food. I want to make an amazing lasanga like the one at Epcot. I want to learn to make creme brulee from scratch. I want to have people eat my food and know its outstanding. I want to sing. I really want to sing on key and be able to sing around people and not just mouth the words. I want to sew and quilt. I want to find my niche in sewing maybe its not quilting. I want to find out what it is. I want to know how to put on makeup. I want to show the positive features of me. I want to learn to move my body. I want to be enough. I am enough. I want to accept myself for who I am. I should say I want to accept my body. All its imperfections. I wings, the belly, the thighs, the gray hair that I hide every six weeks and everything else that goes with it. Things left undone. For me its looking at me in the mirror and saying and meaning, you're ok and you're enough.

With everything that was just said, I want to embrace my body but take care of it. Its so hard. I love food and want to cook exceptional food and dance and sing and take care of myself. That means moving and eating right. I guess for me its trying one thing at a time. The blanket statement of no sugar, is nuts because I can't do it. But I can do a little change. I have to look at what is realistic for me.

Things left undone, me. One thing at a time, one change, a little change. One I can do and not forget.

I hate grocery shopping

I did grocery shopping for many many years. Then my DH decided he could do it and cheaper. Here you go all yours. BUT when he wants me to go. I feel sick. I get stressed out. If i say anything or give suggestions like oh I don't know he can get stuff cheaper at another store 1 mile further thatn the store he normally goes to. Its a discussion. I hate it. I hate being in the store with him. I would rather have a root canal. I will cook the food but don't want to shop for it.

Now he is cooking, rice. He has rice cooker and cooks all the time, rice that is. I don't care if I ever eat rice. I will eat it with stir fry, with Indian or Thai food but not just rice. BLAH!!

The whole food thing drives me nuts. Its like an enemy. Don't eat this or that. That isn't good for you. This is good for you. You are fat you are skinny (haven't heard that one for many years). Food network, watching people cook all this lovely food that I want to cook but its fattening. Oh hell, I love trying new food. I don't have to eat too much but sometimes it tastes so good that you don't want it to end..

My favorite is dessert unfortunately. Creme Brullee from Buckley's. It is so good. Lobster Ravioli from Jonathans. Risotto from Windows on the Water. When it is cooked to perfection and just tastes so good, it better than sex. It last longer and you have just what you want. But I also like simple things, like a good glass of red wine, good bread dipped in Nappa Style unfiltered olive oil and a wonderful piece of dark chocolate. Now really does it getter any better than that.

I don't think so. How wonderful good food is.

Polly was bit

I received a call from Polly. Buddy bit her face and thumb. She said he looked lonely missing Brent and she went to scratch him and put her face next to his face and he attacked her. She has stitches on her face and thumb. I wanted to take the dog and bring him to be put to sleep. She wouldn't she wants to wait until Brent gets home from the hospital. I feel bad but that dog could have killed her. He has attacked other people before. I would have brought her home with me to stay for awhile but because of the dog she stayed home and also wants to wait for Brent.

She looks defeated to me. Like she is ready to give up. She is lonely. I understand it. That my be my life when I am older. I also tend to isolate. Hell who knows. I can't picture visiting me much when I am older either. They will have their life and the grandkids will certainly have their own life. She misses life. I think she doesn't care too much any more if she lives much longer. How sad.

I have also been thinking allot of Dave today. Hard to believe he is gone. I certainly wish we would have kept in touch. But I am so happy for him that his life has been recognized. He has made allot of difference to many people's life. He will be missed by many.

I hope my life makes a difference in this world.

Good bye Dave

Today I received an email, it was a mass email giving the announcement of Dave's death when his funeral is. To say I was shocked is an understatement. We haven't been in contact for years but somehow I have been thinking o f him and Judy allot lately.

Dave and Judy great people. Dave a very caring person whowas kind and really cared for the homeless and mentally ill.He was talented and loved Judy with his whole heart.

When I was in the hospital, he came to see me. He was just terrific. Again, we didn't keep in touch/ I am so lazy. No more

Dave thank you for your friendship. Ilove you, Pat

Another Winter's Day

January seems to last a long long time. Its only 1/5/10. Five days into January. I am seeing snow, ice, cold and more of it for at least two more months. Then its Spring. I should enjoy the day because it does go by awfully fast. Before I know it, it will be fall and another birthday. Hell, 56! I am not old enough but what are you going to do. So this morning. I said a beautiful winters day and it was. Snow and sun. The snow is still clean. It is so beautiful and crispy. The air smells clean. So as much as I hate being cold, I would rather be here than in Florida. I call it God Forsaken Florida. I love Florida to visit. The best times we had is Disney World. I absolutely loved going. I loved the rides, the animal kingdom. I loved eating at Epcot. It was fun for me when we went there. I would love to go to Florida to vacation in March when I can't stand the cold anymore But I sure do not want to ever live there.

So its January, the beginning of a new year and a new decade. The beginning, a new start so what do I want for this year. I want to work on staying out of debt or getting out of debt. I want to breathe and enjoy. I really want to get good at my sewing, I want to cook for people and to really open up and start entertaining. I want to open up. I am ready to begin. YES!!

Exhale.

The holidays are over. Its a little sad but then it is also a good thing. No longer anticipating and hoping everything goes well. I am no longer wondering if I got the grandkids everything and no one was left out. Got them everything. If I could I would give them stability. Especially Joe's kids. We don't know what is going to happen this month with Heather. I just hope everything goes well for all of them. I wish I had the money to buy Joe a home for them so there would not be any question about where they will all be living. My wish would give to Chris work and have all his situations taken care of. I want to to have my kids exhale.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all exhale. Do I really have problems,no not really. I have a nice home, good relationship, bills are paid. I do have family with problems and I can't help.
That's not true, I can help but I can't take care of things. I want to give them all a break. Letting them exhale.

Its not my job is it. They are adults but they are my kids. I guess that is where the problem is. They are not kids. They are adults. I have to remember we all have paths to our lives, to learn lessons and realize what we have in our selves.

Oh crap, it sounds good doesn't it. But damn it I want to lift some of the burden. How powerful I am just nail me to the cross. I sound like a mother who wants to take care of her chicks and they don't get eaten. I want them to know all things will be all right. Heather will be there for Hannah's birthday. Chris will be home. I know in my gut it will be all right. I just want to know what the hell will be happening.

So I am going to hand it over again and exhale and know it will be all right ande then they will exhale. We will all exhale together and then I am having a great big glass of wine.

Maintenance.

Doing lots of maintenance or organizing. The sewing room looks great. Neil is a God send. I am so lucky that he is my husband. He is so patient, smart, organized and doesn't get flusstered (sp?) too easily. Me on the other is quite different, I get overwhelmed easily, not very organized about some things, no patience well thats not quite true. I do have patience with everything but me.

Maintenance also means maintenance of me. It gets old, shave the legs, the pits, was and pluck and I also have to dye my hair. Again. I get so sick of it. I do it myself cause I don't want to spend the money. I get so sick of my hair. I want to try and get my hair like Diane Sawyer. The problem is will I have the patience (see!!) to let it grow. It looks kind of easy to maintain but is it really. Now I want to know what her hair looks like when she is not on air or in public. Does she ever look yucky. Does she ever bad hair days and when she does what does her hair look like.

Unfortunately, working at home gives me the excuse to have bad hair days every day. I can go to work in my pajamas, no makeup, no shower, and just look like crap. Not good for me. I really have to get out of this house and work and see people. Anyhow what does she look like without maintenance.

I look like my mother. I wonder if I can stretch my neck so it looks long. There must be some thing on an infomercial that has neck stretchers.

Oh well, tomorrow is another work day. Blah!!

Come on PCH I can use the 10 million dollars