I like creature comforts

The last time I blogged was on Thursday night. Then we lost power. The winds that night were like tornado winds. It was horrible. Molly was not impressed. I was a little fearful that we would have windows coming through. No power. Which means, no tv, no news, no lights, no hot water. I hate cold showers. I like warm, I like heat, I like tv, I like having a washer and dryer. I like to be comfortable. Its the things that make us comfortable. Being able to use a hair dryer. Being able to use my computer, warm water. Camping is not for me. I was just thankful that it didn't get real cold. It would have been allot worse. I just want my creature comforts. Me in survivor I don't think so. I don't want to have to hunt for my food, handwash my clothes and wash up in cold water. I don't want any part of it. OK I am spoiled, what can I say. I will say, Thank You GOD for my home, heat and food.

Good bye Maria

This is my second good bye this year and really I don't like it. Maria I haven't seen you since high school. But I have heard of you through out the years. I understand you developed schizophrenia. What a horrible disease. It is the thief that comes into the night and steals your thoughts, your dreams, and your life. Its a son of a bitch. I hate it.

I remember when we were in school and your brother was hit by a car. I remember in sixth grade and you had saddle shoes and I wanted them in the worst way. I thought you were so cool. Cool in the way that you had class. You were kind, nice to everyone. Yes you were a cheerleader and one of the smart ones but not snobby. I thought you were one of the nicest.

When I heard about you have schizophrenia I was so sad for you and your family. I worked in the mental health field for years. In a way I had hoped you would end up at Ingraham but you didn't. You probably would have been embarrassed so maybe its a good thing you didn't. I have thought of you every once in awhile over the years.
I hope you had some peace in your life. I know you and your dog died together and that must have been peaceful for you.

Rest my friend

Its February, ugh

I hate the month of February. I know it is the shorestday of the month but it feels like it goes on forever. Its cold, windy, slushy and cloudy. I am just sick of it. Its the mood of us all that is outside. That is how we feel. Like it is never going to end. I am worried about Joe. His anxiety attacks, he has lst 35 lbs, not sleeping. Plus not working. He needs to see a doctor and gets meds. No money. Its February ugh. I want sunshine and lightness. I want that for my children too. Or just for my children. I will deal with the gray but I don't want that for them.

I will be glad when February is over.

Drugs we all need drugs

My friends Denise, April and I have sons and we are all very worried about them. Denise and April's sons are married to crazy women. One tried to stab him, one is trying to keep his mother away from her son. Then for me the love of his life is in jail. Now when our sons none of this every entered our minds that our sons would be caring, loving these women who have so many problems. I never thought Joe would have been involved with a woman who may have alcohol issues, gets into a car accident and kills someone then ends up in jail.

Denise never thought her son would marry a woman who would not be loving to her son and would try to stab him and his friend.

April's son married a woman who wants to keep him all to herself and put a wedge between April and her son. This woman calls April a liar and wants nothing to do with her.

Why is the title drugs we all need drugs. Because these women and the problems our sons are having which in turn we are having because in order for us to survive this we need our drugs, ativan, xanax or whatever.

I will take a 1/2 tab please

The mother gene goes on and on

I remember when I was bringing up my children and I couldn't wait until hey were grown and I wouldn't have to worry about them. HUH!! What the hell wasw I thinking. Its called denial. I still worry but now its about my children and grandchildren. If my children hurt then their children hurt. It is so heartbreaking. I wish I could take it all away. Is it selfish, probably. Why do they have to worry about the basic necesseties and a place to live.

I will buy Joe his own home. I bought Joe his own home. Joe is living in his own home. Joe and his children are doing great.

This is all I can take.

Joe I love you nd the babies

I don't believe in justice anymore

The judicial system is crooked. It all depends on who you know and how much money you have. If that wasn't the truth Heather would be home with her girls. If that wasn't the truth this wouldn't have happened to Chris today. I am not saying they are completely innocent but I am saying they are not guilty of these crimes. I wish I could help Joe but I can't. I need $50k to help my kids. Joe could get a trailer and have some money. Chris would have some of his debts paid off. I don't understand. So God where are you? How is this going to help Hannah and Taylor? How is this going to help Heather or Joe or his kids? How? How is this going to help them believe. Right now they all see injustice and not much mercy. I have to say at this time that is all I see too.

SO GOD WHERE ARE YOU? I am so tired of the trials and tribulations that my family goes through. Why us all the time? Have I been such a horrible person that they have to suffer. Kill me if that is what it takes for my family to have a peaceful life. I will gladly give my life for them. I will take Heather's place so she can be with her family. If Chris goes to jail I will die because I am so done with all of this. I can't take much more. I will gladly surrender my life for them. Their children need them. All the lives that are being ruined. For what? I don't understand. I want some answers DAMN IT!!

Is there justice. I don't know

Today Joe found out Heather may be getting 8-15 years. Unbelievable to me. It just doesn't make sense to me. There are people who belong in jail and aren't. I don't get it at all. I am concerned for her kids more than anyone. They need their mother. When it comes to this, I don't know what to think.

But on a positive note, Nikki has a new job, Much more money and hopefully this will help them.

I will be glad when Thursday is over

When its my time to go, I am going

Monday, Monday, all ready. Neil didn't work today. Allot of companies didn't work.Butwe did.I guess its ok. I have a job. One that pays not great but what are you going to do? I sent a request for Long Term Care information. I don't want my kids taking care of me at all. If Neil got sick first I would take care of him but if I got sick after he was gone. I don't know what would happen. My kids will have their own lives and I will not be burden on them. I just as soon not be around for that. Care for the elderly is so expensive. Right now its 6k per month and that is private pay. I don't want any money we have to go for my care cause I can't take care of myself. I would rather not be around. I want a quality life not necessarily and quantity of life. What is the point of living to a ripe old age if you are not living but just existing. I don't want it. If I can't feed myself or take care of myself I am outa here. There is no dignity is not be able to take care of yourself. What is the point? Life is for the living not for existing

Valentines Day

Valentines Day a day where you are suppe to show people you love that you love them and they love you. This day use to mean allot to me but not anymore. I ws thinkingt about it and wondered why.

In the years before, I wanted tocards and the flowers. I wanted someone to show me and a card or flowers was the way. But this year, Neil cleaned the house when I was in Maine and that meant more to me than any card or flowers. Being treated with respect, kindness, and love is the best present ever. Cards because they feel like they have to give and then being disrespected is nothing.

Coming home from Maine and not having to worry about picking up wasw great. Did Neil wash the floor or dust, no does it matter to me no it doesn't it. He picked up and vacuum. The best.

We talked about the budget today.I hate talking about money. Because I am the one who is bad with money. So after discussing how I can cut my spending, I watch QVC, HSN and I order a cam corder, and kitchen shears. So tonight I cancelled this order. Really I have a camcorder that I don't use and shears hell do I really need shears. Its crazy how I look, see, and think I need so I buy. What do I need. ok, I bought two pair of shoes which I did need. I bought two bags, which I don't need but I am keeping. I have to starts thinking about thrift shopping. Especially for clothes or ifr I buy to make sure it is real cheap. No retail, cheap cheap cheap. There are things that I should get new but most things not really. Well maybe I don't want usede but I want inexpensive. The shoes were 30 each. The bags were more expensive. No more bags for me this year until the fall.

I have to press the pause button when I want to buy something. Like I tell my kids press the pause the button. I have to follow my own advise.

Junk food junk food, I know I know its not good for me

Food foodand more food. I love thinking about it, cooking it and eating it and it doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. This morning I went to the grocery store to get ingredients to make a chocolate raspberry cheesecake. I bought it except the damn preserves but I came out with Archway cookies strawberry and raspberry, cheetos and chips and coffee cake. I just love this stuff. I love the orange on my fingers, the grease from the chips. What can I say about sugar. I just love it. Of course sugar is with butter, hell sugar and butter how can someone go wrong. ITS BAD for me. Why the hell is that? Why can't I eat sugar, butter when I want and how much I want damn.

Then there is chocolate. What can I say about chocolate. The light milk chocolate which is sweet is good and smooth but no depth. I always did like milk chocolate but now I love dark chocolate. Dark chocolate has layers. The first taste can be a little bitter, then the meling begins and it covers my tongue and carresses it an its rich. Chocoalte can be fun like m&m's, raisins or nuts. Decadence chocolate is with hazlenuts, caramel, cherries.

I remember the first time I had chocolate covered cherries. My grandmother came to visit when we were kids. I bought her a box and she put it in her drawer and I would steal one. It was forbidden but so worth stealing and eating. Good food, decadent food, food not good for me is forbidden but sometimes so worth sneaking it and eating it.

From your lips to Gods ears

What a day! Lots of changes coming to our office. Denise was notified she is going to Aetna 1. Not do you want, we would appreciate. Nothing like that. She was told, she is going to Aetna 1. She was so upset because she loved her job and her boss. I felt horrible for her. She said she is over the shock. I know she will be great.

I talked to a custormer today and we were saying we are so sick of bad news. He was saying we should have good news newspapers. Like "Pat won the lottery and will never have to work again." I told him from his lips to Gods ears.

Its not the working. I would love lots of money so I can help my kids. Especially Joe. he is constantly struggling. I worry.

Tomorrow I will finally do Heather's letter. I don't believe jail is the place for her butwhat the hell do I know. I really didn't believe she would be found guilty and go to jail. Just shows what I know and what I believed was God telling me not to worry she is not going to jail. I guess I don't listen very well. I just don't understand it.

But for tonight. I give it over to God to take care of all this.

From your lips to Gods ears

Will I or wont I have a job. Plus do I care

I found out today that there will be more layoffs at Aetna in March. This time it is the disability department. We will see. There is part of me that would like to be laid off but I am scared. I need to work. I like earning my own money. I am 55 years old. Who in hell is going to hire someone my age. Lets face it. They don't want to. They want young people. On the other hand I could spend time with my grandchildren especially in the summer. I could go to Joes and help with the kids. Or bring them here. I want to make more money.

I work with people
I love my job
I am respected
I earn between 38-40k a yea
I have 4 weeks vacation
I have 7 sick days
I have 9 holidays

That is what I have. Anyhow, went to the dentist and got a new temp crown. I thought I was going to need a root canal but didn't. Artie called to see how I am doing. Great. Ihave to say this is the first time any dentist called to see how I am. Says allot about him as an AP and as a person.

I am impressed.

I am tired. will go to sleep. I got a gorgeous new bag.

2010 not a year of rest

Its only 2/8/10 and I am tired. Already...Its been stressful. Heather in jail, Joe falling apart, Chris and my job. I am so resenting the attitude of the people who are in charge at Aenta. Janice has become a huge dissapointment as a "manager". She really is into the " I am Janice manager, hear me roar." Crap, the attitude of our managers, not team leads but managers suck. They have the attitude. Be glad you have a job. Does not give me a feeling of warm and fuzzies. I am getting very resentful of the way we are all treated. " you are have job, work till 8. Its bullshit. I am so sick of this crap. I want a new job, working with people. being respected, no nights at all, oow at 4:30-5:00, M-F, $38,000-$40,000, 4 weeks vacation 7 days sick days and 9 holidays. this is what I want

This is my new job
work with peopl
38-40k
4 weeks vacation
7 sick days
respected
9 holidays

Plus $50k in my account

This is what I have

I love to cook

I love cooking big. Tomorrow I am going to cook beef briciole. I am cooking muffins, roast chicken, pasta fagiole, and potatoes. I just love it. I love trying new recipes. I love home made. I really don't like prepared food. I love the smell of the house when food is cooking. It smells like love. Microwave smells nothing. With cooking you put in your spices and touches and especially if it is cooking slow and the more it cooks the more the smells come alive. When someone smacks their lips and enjoys the food, it warms my heart. I get so excited just thinking about it. I want to take some cooking classes.

Yum

TGIF

Thank God Its Friday.

I am so glad it is the weekend. Its been a long week and I have been yelled at all week. This weekend a contractor will be over to give an estimate on the basement. I am cooking and sewing and reading.
I like to cook, read and sew. I do want to go to breakfast. I love breakfast. blueberry pancakes or crepes, bacon eggs, biscuits yum. Plus or first coffee. Jeez that would work for me righ now.

I am going to relax and get some sleep.

Happy Birthday to my two wonderful grandsons, Blake and Cole. 4 years old, sweetheart. I love you both

What does a 55 year old woman wants to do for fun

Or my bucket list. Life is too short. What do I want to do before I die.

1. Go to Sonoma and go on wine tours and eat.
2. Go to Italy and Greece, drink and eat.
3. Go to a balloon festival in Alburquerque
4. Write, write
5. Learn to speak French,Italian, and Spanish
6. Ballroom dancing
7. Take my grandkids to Disney
8. Teach my grandkids to cook
9. learn to sing
10. finally get rid of the weight
11. take cooking classes, Italian
12. embroidery and applique on quilts
13. long arm quilting

NOT ONE MORE THING!!!

I have had it. If anything more happens to my family. I am so done! It is such crap. Chris better not get indicted cause I can't take it. He gets robbed and he gets arrested. Its bullshit. I am so not trusting the "justice" system. I think the whole system is crooked. They all lie and full of it. I don't trust any of them. This country has gone to the way of no rights for the citizens. Tell them the truth, they lie. They are out to destroy the people in this country. The country is controlled by a "group" of people.

I will never trust the police, the prosecutors or the system again.

Its pretty sad but its how I feel.

thank you

He is getting married

Joe wants to get married again. Heather is going to prison and he is freaking out that he wont be able to see Heather for 6 weeks when she goes to Windham.This is so surreal. How do I wrap my head around this? I really don't know. It freaks for me out. One decision that affected so many lives. A woman was killed, a boy and man lost their wife and mother and that doesn't even count the other people in her life. Heather's girls lost their mother for who knows how long. Joe and his kids lost Heather. He will be able to have visits and phone calls. He loves her. My grandkids love her. Was she drunk who knows. I don't know. Their was so much wrong with this case. The in consistency, the shoddy workmanship, I don't get it. What can I do, I don't know.

It is going to be hard for Joe when his kids go home and he is alone. But he will work through it.