Will she or wont she? She wont

This is coming to an end. She finds out tomorrow if she goes home or not. She will be going home to her daughters and Joe. She, Joe and the people who love her will be able to breathe.

The DA has no case. I know in my heart things will be fine. I knew it a year and a half ago and I know it now. She and Joe will be able to decide what their future will be. They have been living with this over their head for most of their relationship. What will they focus on after? Hopefully it will be to enjoy each other and their family.

Their family is large. They have 5 kids between them. They are 6 and 3. The boys will be 4 next week. They all love Heather very much. I know she loves the children and Joe. I guess I do have a concern that when she comes home, she will look at her life and decide she has many more options that doesn't include Joe. If that is the way it is, it is better to find out. He does love her very much. Hearing him talk about her and how much he loves her makes my heart proud and hopefully not break for him.

Tomorrow we celebrate! Thank you GOD

Do I really need more stuff?

I am always looking to buy stuff. New stuff, gadgets,handbags. I try to fool myself and say I am not going to buy anything But before I know it I am watching QVC or HSN or go on overstock. I had a handbag come in today. I had thought I cancelled it but I didn't. Unfortunately, I like it so I am keeping it. I got The Nook today and I don't think I am going to keep it. I told Neil and he told me to send it back. Do I really need it No I don't but it feels good to get stuff. But being out of debt will feel better. So I guess I just made up my mind. I am sending it back. I also ordered Annah another sewing machine because she didn't like her other one. Come on, I don't see her often enough for her to get into sewing. Why do I do that. The sick part of it, is I will lie about it. I am going to send it back. It just doesn't make sense.

For me its stopping it. I have to take a deep breath and stop spending.

I have to figure out what to do and how to do it consistently.

A work in progress.

If only my kids would have listened to me

I am worried about Joe. I am worried he is going to have his heart broken.He has given her everything and she doesn't see it. He is not perfect but he loves her. She is going through the most difficult time in her life and he never thought of walking.

I on the other hand told him to run like hell. When he first started seeing her, he was concerned about her drinking. I told him run. He broke up with her but he couldn't leave her. Then she gets into a car accident after a couple of drinks and another woman was killed. Was she responsible, I don't think so but I told him to run. This week is a trial for manslauter. I don't think she will get convicted. But she is being nasty and so is he. She doesn't see her behavior at all. She has an attitude of her way or the highway. She gets mad at Joe's kids but her kids, Hannah especially is spoiled and manipulative. She says she is sensitive. Hannah is running her mother and her father. I understand her dad and girlfriend have had a fight about Hannah. She eats what she wants. She doesn'T have to eat what every one else eats. Well as long as she is able to get away with it, she will.

Anyway, I am going up there on Wednesday and am concerned because I don't know how they will be. If its too much, I am going to a hotel. I don't have to take it anymore. But hopefully, it wont be a bad thing. I hope to not be in the way. The thing that is ticking me off is now I am expected to take care of Hannah and Taylor. I wanted to go up there to be with my son. Be his support. I love him more than anything. Just because he is an adult, doesn't mean he doesn't need his mother.

If Joe would have listened, he wouldn't have married Beth, moved to east gish and met Hearther. But if he hadn't, Savannah, Cole and Blake wouldn't be here.

Oh yea, thats another thing. I wont be seeing my grandkids. I will try to get to see them. I miss them very much.

Saturday

SAturday, good day. We went to breakfast, blueberry pancakes. I just love them. We went to the home show and bought a beautiful cherry cutting board that is about 2 inches thick. It is from downed trees. It is cherry. I always wanted one like this. $75. which is 1/2 price. I know it sounds expensive but it will be around longer than me. My kids and grandkids will fight over it.

Joe called twice today. Heather is stressed out and taking it out on Joe. I just dont't know what to say to him. I want to tell him to run like hell. But he is stuck, so when I have my $50K in my account, I will help him move if that is what he wants. I want him and the babies to have a stable life. He will have it and I am proud of him.

I told him that Neil and I wanted to take turns having the grandkids one per month. We had a great time with Mason last weekend. In February we will probably take Joe's kids. Yes there are three but it will be great. Neil will take the Monday off. Poor guy. At least I don't have to drive to work on Mondays. I just have to walk into another room.

So this week will be challenging but I know in my heart things will be fine. Whatever it may be.

Food

Food, I think allot about food. What to eat, what do cook, that to buy. I do love cooking and trying new recipes. This past week I made three meals in one day and we ate it all week. Spaghetti sauce, was good and spicy. Risotto, oh my God I ate it all week for lunch, so good. Now I know why they call it comfort food. The rice was creamy and with the mushrooms , shrimp and cheese it was so good. So now do I make more this week. I can make some and put some chicken in it. My mouth is watering just thinking about. I made soup and I still have one serving left. So good, hot comforting and filling. Yummy! So I think I will make a clam chowder and I don't know what else.

I am watching the food network, "The best thing I ever eat. For me the best is creme brulee and at Buckley's , so good. I just want to go and cook something decadent or better yet have someone else cook and serve. Food, I just love food.

So tomorrow, I will cook again. Can't wait.

My sons love

We never know who we will fall in love with. A few years ago, my son fell in love with a young woman with two kids. She got into a car accident. She had a few drinks. A woman was killed. She is now going to trial next week. When my son first told me about her and a problem she was dealing with, I told him to run. Run as fast as he could. He said he tried, but he couldn't. He loves her. He felt and still does that he is suppose to be with her.

What if she goes to jail? I don't know how he will deal with it. Will he be able take care of his kids with out him. Will he manage? He is so much like his mother. Emotional. He says he is feeling sick just thinking of losing her. They really haven't thought of the possibility of her not being there, until today.

He doesn't know what to do. They haven't talked to their children. They all love her so much. Of course, her girls love her. His kids love her too. They love her and she loves them.

I really believe it will be fine. I am just concerned.

She will be home for her children and my son and grandchildren.

Politics

Today was a big day in Massachusetts. An election to take Ted Kennedy's seat. The democrat lost and the repulican won. Commentators thinks its because of health care but it isn't. Massachusetts has health care for everyone. Its because of the debt,and the sneaking around and doing things under the covers.People are sick of it. We were told that no more sneaking around and doing things behind closed doors. Well that is a lot of sneaking around. They have been lying and taking us for fools. People are sick of it. Sick of people who have gotten away with trying to destroy the country with the money and greed. They get away with it. It really ticks me off and apparently not just me. Everyone is tired of not being heard. Everyone is tired of being taken for as shmucks.

Politics is everywhere and we are listening but they better be hearing.

food, fun, and entertainment, how?

I did not have to work today. So I cooked. I made Pasta Fagiole, spaghetti sauce and risoto with mushrooms, shrimp and onions and parmesan cheese. So good. The soup was little different cause it had lemon but it was good. My lunch for the week. The risotto was good. The problem with me is I don't know how to cook for 2. How do you scale down, soup, rice, and sauce. Yes, I will freeze some sauce, maybe make chicken parmesan but what do we do with the other stuff like risotto. Can you freeze it? Have no idea, but I will figure out what to do with it. I don't want to throw any food away.

I love to cook, I wish I could cook more for my friends and feel comfortable doing it. Like Carlos and Maggie. I am so intimidated by Maggie. I want to have them over but I have this thought that she will be critigueing me. I know this is my stuff but she is still so anal. I want to entertain more. So hopefully I will be going to dinner with Denise and Pete this weekend which will be fun.

So next month, I am planning a dinner party. good food, good drinks, good company. The problem is finding the entertainment, music, movies, games who knows

Here I am 55 and really don't know how to entertain. Crazy isn't, so out of my comfort zone and will just do it.

I want to be an astronaut when I grow up.

We went to the McAuliffe Planetarium with Mason my grandson today. When I was a kid I watch the moonwalk and I said I was going to be an astranaut. Well that didn't work but I love the idea and adventure of discovering the wide open space and infinite possibilities of outer space.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen because I was not a top student,didn't have the discipline and there was no way I told anyone.

There was lots of things I wanted to do, teach, surf, sing, sing well. I did teach but not a certified teacher, surf, um no I can't swim. Sing unfortunately no. I really would like to sing well.

But going into space. If I had 20 million, I would go up with the Russians. If I had 30k, I would buy a plain ticket for the first ride. But I don't. I don't know when it will ever happen.

So discovery excites me but giving up is part of me. I want for it to be easy and of course it isn't. I can give up to easy or get frustrated because I am not able to and I give up. I hate looking stupid or feeling insecure or inferior. For crying out loud, I am 55 years old, get over it allready.

But I do have to say I am more adventerous than some. I did jump out of a plane on my 31st burthday. I do like trying new things, I have lived in different parts of the country. But I have put stop signs on things I would like to do. I want to ballroom dance, salsa dance, sing sing sing, I want to take cooking lessosns. I will go to Italy one day and travel the country side, eat, and damn it have a pair of shoes made for me. They will cost plenty but I will. Maybe I will live in Italy, I will learn to speak the language. I will have a great adventure. Maybe not out of space but it will be wanderful and exciting.

I want to wash that gray right out of my hair....Again

and again and again. I said I was going to just let it go gray. Then I started looking, really looking. Ummm, I don't think so. So at 11:30pm, I dye my hair. I was little concerned cause my hair was red with lots of gray and I looked at what I had and it is a blond beige color. I was concerned it would be Lucy red. Didn't want that. But it looks nice with a little red highlights. So I go up to Neil and said what do you think, dumb dumb dumb, I should no better. So he says, looks fine. What the hell. Does it look good, does it suck what? I don't know why you are worried about it, he said.

Ok I think it looks good, so that should be good enough. It is enough. Anyhow I also plucked my eyebrows and they look good too.

I would love to go to a hairdresser for a haircut and color. But once I start that again, it goes on and on and on with lots of money being spent.

Speaking of money. I paid off my Kohls charge. So now I just owe Discover and Bill Me later. I will have bill me later next month. Then I will be chewing up Discover. I would love it paid up quick but for $10000 it will be next year. I hope. I am working on it

Why do so many suffer

Watching Anderson Cooper again they are showing a funeral for a woman. The coffin is on a scooter. She died because there was not enough help to have help. There are dead people everywhere. My God, I can't imagine what these people are going through. It is so heartbraking. The island of Haiti's people have gone through so much. They are a poor country who live on nothing. What little they have is gone. People are taking advantage of others. I am hearing a little girl crying but she is pinned under rocks. I just can't imagine it. What if it was my family. I don't know if I could stand it. The people in this country suffer and suffer. We live in this country and bitch about what. People really are suffering. The homeless here also suffer but we in this country have water. Damn it water. They don't have good clean water. We do not see dead people in the streets. Yes, I know it was horrible for people who were involved in Katrina but you know what there was water. I don't want to minimize the suffering people go through in this country and they shouldn't have to. It just boggles my mind how people live in other parts of the world. Haiti, some parts of Africa and other areas.

One thing I learned today is Haiti does not have any exports. No exports no income. Thats the way it is. So what does happen? I saw on the news today, there is a little boy in Haiti and an adoptive mother in New Hampshire, she has been waiting two years for the adoption to be finalized. Why does it take so long? He is two years old. Its been going on since he was a new born. He should be here in the US.

Now I am watching Dr. Gupta on CNN and he is taking care of a 15 day old baby. The baby's mother died. She has a cut on her head. The mother would probably have breast fed her and now how will she eat. I want to bring her home. It just kills me. There is not a damn thing that I can do. She needs anti-biotics, where will she get them?

May God Bless Her and the people in that country. I ask God to give them what is needed.

Feeling helpless

I am watching Anderson Cooper who is in Haiti about the devastating earthquake. There are people who are dead in the streets. People lost everything homes, loved ones. They don't have the basics like water. Imagine not having enough water to drink. I have to force myself to drink water. It sounds so strange, that I don't drink enough and there are people who are desparately looking for water to drink.

What is going to happen to these people. What about people who are dead, the disease and more devastation. I watch and think what can I do to help? Nothing, give a few dollars, so what. I feel like I should be doing something. I want to take some of these people and feed them, let them bathe and hold them while they cry. But no all I can do is watch the horror on TV and know there is nothing, not a damn thing I can do.

I hate feeling helpless. I remember years ago with the War in Kosovo, I wanted to go there and help but of course I couldn't.

I do get so angry when I see people taking advantaqe of others. They start rumors,so people will leave there things and they steal what little people have. That is behavior that I don't understand.

I didn't understand it whenit happened in New Orleans either. It just pisses me off. How dare they steal from their own people and take advantage of others, when they are in such a bad place.

May GOD be with them

Pissed Off that I don't feel safe in my home

Just when we were getting ready to go to bed, we locked the front door and someone was parked at the end of the road. Yes, they were under a light but its cold and why were they there. I just started thinking about the murder in Milford when 4 punks broke into a house a killed a woman and hurt her daughter. They laughed about it, thought it was funny. Gives me the creeps. I was going to call the police but the car left. My imagination is going round and round. Who are they? Why were they parked there? Will they come back? What would I do if someone broke in my house? We have guns but they are locked up. Could I even have the nerve to shoot someone. I don't know. I think I would if someone went to hurt someone I loved or my dog. I hope that if someone went to hurt me I would be able to shoot someone. But I don't know because again I don't have axcess to a gun. With grandchildren I don't want any accidents and someone to get hurt. So what is someone to do. I don't know. But I am pissed that I am even thinking about this. How dare someone break into someone's home and brutalize them and take away there peace.

What those boys did was take away everyone's peace. I always have the doors locked. Even during the day. People have broken into our cars. Now they are in the garage. Ever since I have owned homes no one has ever broken into my house or my cars. Punks, I can't stand it. Why do they do it? Are they bored? Are they on drugs? Damn it, now I am getting really pissed. Little bastards.

I will not let them win though. My home is a place where I want to relax and feel comfortable and safe. Bastards.

Monday, Monday

It is Monday. Where did the weekend go? I remember my son Joe said to me one day. Weekends are for fun. I hate having to do things on weekends. I think we spend too much time working. I think we should work 3 days and then have 4 days to do what we need for our life including fun.

Monday is a tough day. Especially in January. Its cold. Who wants to go out in it. Not me. We don't like having to go to work. I want the choice well hell who doesn't. I told Neil that in 15 years when I am 70 years I better not be having to work. I will be a crabby old lady. Just call me Maxine! HAHA

I didn't even clean up and I know when I go downstairs tomorrow, I wont be happy to see the mess. Oh well. Maybe I will go down later if I am not sleeping and clean it up.

I am watching QVC and they are selling a computer. I love the one I have right now. Cause its small and pretty light but I can read it.

I am tired. Hopefully I will sleep.

Things left undone

Things left undone. That is the motto of my life. My plans today was to find my bracelet. I didn't. Call in my prescriptions. I didn't. Do the laundry. Half done. I have to put it away. Make date squares. I didn't. Move my furniture. I didn't. Clean out my drawers. I didn't. Clean the bathroom. I didn't.

What did I do? took apart my bed and cleaned under it. Cleaned under the bedroom furniture. Cooked dinner, cleaned up after. My list is never done. I would like one day to not have a have to list. I want a list of fun things that do get done.

How about a bucket list? What do I want to do before I die. I really want to eat my way around the world. Ok, around Epcot. I don't want to get on a plane, unless its first class. I want to learn to cook amazing food. I really want to learn to cook outstanding Italian Food. I want to make an amazing lasanga like the one at Epcot. I want to learn to make creme brulee from scratch. I want to have people eat my food and know its outstanding. I want to sing. I really want to sing on key and be able to sing around people and not just mouth the words. I want to sew and quilt. I want to find my niche in sewing maybe its not quilting. I want to find out what it is. I want to know how to put on makeup. I want to show the positive features of me. I want to learn to move my body. I want to be enough. I am enough. I want to accept myself for who I am. I should say I want to accept my body. All its imperfections. I wings, the belly, the thighs, the gray hair that I hide every six weeks and everything else that goes with it. Things left undone. For me its looking at me in the mirror and saying and meaning, you're ok and you're enough.

With everything that was just said, I want to embrace my body but take care of it. Its so hard. I love food and want to cook exceptional food and dance and sing and take care of myself. That means moving and eating right. I guess for me its trying one thing at a time. The blanket statement of no sugar, is nuts because I can't do it. But I can do a little change. I have to look at what is realistic for me.

Things left undone, me. One thing at a time, one change, a little change. One I can do and not forget.

I hate grocery shopping

I did grocery shopping for many many years. Then my DH decided he could do it and cheaper. Here you go all yours. BUT when he wants me to go. I feel sick. I get stressed out. If i say anything or give suggestions like oh I don't know he can get stuff cheaper at another store 1 mile further thatn the store he normally goes to. Its a discussion. I hate it. I hate being in the store with him. I would rather have a root canal. I will cook the food but don't want to shop for it.

Now he is cooking, rice. He has rice cooker and cooks all the time, rice that is. I don't care if I ever eat rice. I will eat it with stir fry, with Indian or Thai food but not just rice. BLAH!!

The whole food thing drives me nuts. Its like an enemy. Don't eat this or that. That isn't good for you. This is good for you. You are fat you are skinny (haven't heard that one for many years). Food network, watching people cook all this lovely food that I want to cook but its fattening. Oh hell, I love trying new food. I don't have to eat too much but sometimes it tastes so good that you don't want it to end..

My favorite is dessert unfortunately. Creme Brullee from Buckley's. It is so good. Lobster Ravioli from Jonathans. Risotto from Windows on the Water. When it is cooked to perfection and just tastes so good, it better than sex. It last longer and you have just what you want. But I also like simple things, like a good glass of red wine, good bread dipped in Nappa Style unfiltered olive oil and a wonderful piece of dark chocolate. Now really does it getter any better than that.

I don't think so. How wonderful good food is.

Polly was bit

I received a call from Polly. Buddy bit her face and thumb. She said he looked lonely missing Brent and she went to scratch him and put her face next to his face and he attacked her. She has stitches on her face and thumb. I wanted to take the dog and bring him to be put to sleep. She wouldn't she wants to wait until Brent gets home from the hospital. I feel bad but that dog could have killed her. He has attacked other people before. I would have brought her home with me to stay for awhile but because of the dog she stayed home and also wants to wait for Brent.

She looks defeated to me. Like she is ready to give up. She is lonely. I understand it. That my be my life when I am older. I also tend to isolate. Hell who knows. I can't picture visiting me much when I am older either. They will have their life and the grandkids will certainly have their own life. She misses life. I think she doesn't care too much any more if she lives much longer. How sad.

I have also been thinking allot of Dave today. Hard to believe he is gone. I certainly wish we would have kept in touch. But I am so happy for him that his life has been recognized. He has made allot of difference to many people's life. He will be missed by many.

I hope my life makes a difference in this world.

Good bye Dave

Today I received an email, it was a mass email giving the announcement of Dave's death when his funeral is. To say I was shocked is an understatement. We haven't been in contact for years but somehow I have been thinking o f him and Judy allot lately.

Dave and Judy great people. Dave a very caring person whowas kind and really cared for the homeless and mentally ill.He was talented and loved Judy with his whole heart.

When I was in the hospital, he came to see me. He was just terrific. Again, we didn't keep in touch/ I am so lazy. No more

Dave thank you for your friendship. Ilove you, Pat

Another Winter's Day

January seems to last a long long time. Its only 1/5/10. Five days into January. I am seeing snow, ice, cold and more of it for at least two more months. Then its Spring. I should enjoy the day because it does go by awfully fast. Before I know it, it will be fall and another birthday. Hell, 56! I am not old enough but what are you going to do. So this morning. I said a beautiful winters day and it was. Snow and sun. The snow is still clean. It is so beautiful and crispy. The air smells clean. So as much as I hate being cold, I would rather be here than in Florida. I call it God Forsaken Florida. I love Florida to visit. The best times we had is Disney World. I absolutely loved going. I loved the rides, the animal kingdom. I loved eating at Epcot. It was fun for me when we went there. I would love to go to Florida to vacation in March when I can't stand the cold anymore But I sure do not want to ever live there.

So its January, the beginning of a new year and a new decade. The beginning, a new start so what do I want for this year. I want to work on staying out of debt or getting out of debt. I want to breathe and enjoy. I really want to get good at my sewing, I want to cook for people and to really open up and start entertaining. I want to open up. I am ready to begin. YES!!

Exhale.

The holidays are over. Its a little sad but then it is also a good thing. No longer anticipating and hoping everything goes well. I am no longer wondering if I got the grandkids everything and no one was left out. Got them everything. If I could I would give them stability. Especially Joe's kids. We don't know what is going to happen this month with Heather. I just hope everything goes well for all of them. I wish I had the money to buy Joe a home for them so there would not be any question about where they will all be living. My wish would give to Chris work and have all his situations taken care of. I want to to have my kids exhale.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all exhale. Do I really have problems,no not really. I have a nice home, good relationship, bills are paid. I do have family with problems and I can't help.
That's not true, I can help but I can't take care of things. I want to give them all a break. Letting them exhale.

Its not my job is it. They are adults but they are my kids. I guess that is where the problem is. They are not kids. They are adults. I have to remember we all have paths to our lives, to learn lessons and realize what we have in our selves.

Oh crap, it sounds good doesn't it. But damn it I want to lift some of the burden. How powerful I am just nail me to the cross. I sound like a mother who wants to take care of her chicks and they don't get eaten. I want them to know all things will be all right. Heather will be there for Hannah's birthday. Chris will be home. I know in my gut it will be all right. I just want to know what the hell will be happening.

So I am going to hand it over again and exhale and know it will be all right ande then they will exhale. We will all exhale together and then I am having a great big glass of wine.

Maintenance.

Doing lots of maintenance or organizing. The sewing room looks great. Neil is a God send. I am so lucky that he is my husband. He is so patient, smart, organized and doesn't get flusstered (sp?) too easily. Me on the other is quite different, I get overwhelmed easily, not very organized about some things, no patience well thats not quite true. I do have patience with everything but me.

Maintenance also means maintenance of me. It gets old, shave the legs, the pits, was and pluck and I also have to dye my hair. Again. I get so sick of it. I do it myself cause I don't want to spend the money. I get so sick of my hair. I want to try and get my hair like Diane Sawyer. The problem is will I have the patience (see!!) to let it grow. It looks kind of easy to maintain but is it really. Now I want to know what her hair looks like when she is not on air or in public. Does she ever look yucky. Does she ever bad hair days and when she does what does her hair look like.

Unfortunately, working at home gives me the excuse to have bad hair days every day. I can go to work in my pajamas, no makeup, no shower, and just look like crap. Not good for me. I really have to get out of this house and work and see people. Anyhow what does she look like without maintenance.

I look like my mother. I wonder if I can stretch my neck so it looks long. There must be some thing on an infomercial that has neck stretchers.

Oh well, tomorrow is another work day. Blah!!

Come on PCH I can use the 10 million dollars