I don't believe in justice anymore

The judicial system is crooked. It all depends on who you know and how much money you have. If that wasn't the truth Heather would be home with her girls. If that wasn't the truth this wouldn't have happened to Chris today. I am not saying they are completely innocent but I am saying they are not guilty of these crimes. I wish I could help Joe but I can't. I need $50k to help my kids. Joe could get a trailer and have some money. Chris would have some of his debts paid off. I don't understand. So God where are you? How is this going to help Hannah and Taylor? How is this going to help Heather or Joe or his kids? How? How is this going to help them believe. Right now they all see injustice and not much mercy. I have to say at this time that is all I see too.

SO GOD WHERE ARE YOU? I am so tired of the trials and tribulations that my family goes through. Why us all the time? Have I been such a horrible person that they have to suffer. Kill me if that is what it takes for my family to have a peaceful life. I will gladly give my life for them. I will take Heather's place so she can be with her family. If Chris goes to jail I will die because I am so done with all of this. I can't take much more. I will gladly surrender my life for them. Their children need them. All the lives that are being ruined. For what? I don't understand. I want some answers DAMN IT!!

Is there justice. I don't know

Today Joe found out Heather may be getting 8-15 years. Unbelievable to me. It just doesn't make sense to me. There are people who belong in jail and aren't. I don't get it at all. I am concerned for her kids more than anyone. They need their mother. When it comes to this, I don't know what to think.

But on a positive note, Nikki has a new job, Much more money and hopefully this will help them.

I will be glad when Thursday is over

When its my time to go, I am going

Monday, Monday, all ready. Neil didn't work today. Allot of companies didn't work.Butwe did.I guess its ok. I have a job. One that pays not great but what are you going to do? I sent a request for Long Term Care information. I don't want my kids taking care of me at all. If Neil got sick first I would take care of him but if I got sick after he was gone. I don't know what would happen. My kids will have their own lives and I will not be burden on them. I just as soon not be around for that. Care for the elderly is so expensive. Right now its 6k per month and that is private pay. I don't want any money we have to go for my care cause I can't take care of myself. I would rather not be around. I want a quality life not necessarily and quantity of life. What is the point of living to a ripe old age if you are not living but just existing. I don't want it. If I can't feed myself or take care of myself I am outa here. There is no dignity is not be able to take care of yourself. What is the point? Life is for the living not for existing

Valentines Day

Valentines Day a day where you are suppe to show people you love that you love them and they love you. This day use to mean allot to me but not anymore. I ws thinkingt about it and wondered why.

In the years before, I wanted tocards and the flowers. I wanted someone to show me and a card or flowers was the way. But this year, Neil cleaned the house when I was in Maine and that meant more to me than any card or flowers. Being treated with respect, kindness, and love is the best present ever. Cards because they feel like they have to give and then being disrespected is nothing.

Coming home from Maine and not having to worry about picking up wasw great. Did Neil wash the floor or dust, no does it matter to me no it doesn't it. He picked up and vacuum. The best.

We talked about the budget today.I hate talking about money. Because I am the one who is bad with money. So after discussing how I can cut my spending, I watch QVC, HSN and I order a cam corder, and kitchen shears. So tonight I cancelled this order. Really I have a camcorder that I don't use and shears hell do I really need shears. Its crazy how I look, see, and think I need so I buy. What do I need. ok, I bought two pair of shoes which I did need. I bought two bags, which I don't need but I am keeping. I have to starts thinking about thrift shopping. Especially for clothes or ifr I buy to make sure it is real cheap. No retail, cheap cheap cheap. There are things that I should get new but most things not really. Well maybe I don't want usede but I want inexpensive. The shoes were 30 each. The bags were more expensive. No more bags for me this year until the fall.

I have to press the pause button when I want to buy something. Like I tell my kids press the pause the button. I have to follow my own advise.

Junk food junk food, I know I know its not good for me

Food foodand more food. I love thinking about it, cooking it and eating it and it doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. This morning I went to the grocery store to get ingredients to make a chocolate raspberry cheesecake. I bought it except the damn preserves but I came out with Archway cookies strawberry and raspberry, cheetos and chips and coffee cake. I just love this stuff. I love the orange on my fingers, the grease from the chips. What can I say about sugar. I just love it. Of course sugar is with butter, hell sugar and butter how can someone go wrong. ITS BAD for me. Why the hell is that? Why can't I eat sugar, butter when I want and how much I want damn.

Then there is chocolate. What can I say about chocolate. The light milk chocolate which is sweet is good and smooth but no depth. I always did like milk chocolate but now I love dark chocolate. Dark chocolate has layers. The first taste can be a little bitter, then the meling begins and it covers my tongue and carresses it an its rich. Chocoalte can be fun like m&m's, raisins or nuts. Decadence chocolate is with hazlenuts, caramel, cherries.

I remember the first time I had chocolate covered cherries. My grandmother came to visit when we were kids. I bought her a box and she put it in her drawer and I would steal one. It was forbidden but so worth stealing and eating. Good food, decadent food, food not good for me is forbidden but sometimes so worth sneaking it and eating it.

From your lips to Gods ears

What a day! Lots of changes coming to our office. Denise was notified she is going to Aetna 1. Not do you want, we would appreciate. Nothing like that. She was told, she is going to Aetna 1. She was so upset because she loved her job and her boss. I felt horrible for her. She said she is over the shock. I know she will be great.

I talked to a custormer today and we were saying we are so sick of bad news. He was saying we should have good news newspapers. Like "Pat won the lottery and will never have to work again." I told him from his lips to Gods ears.

Its not the working. I would love lots of money so I can help my kids. Especially Joe. he is constantly struggling. I worry.

Tomorrow I will finally do Heather's letter. I don't believe jail is the place for her butwhat the hell do I know. I really didn't believe she would be found guilty and go to jail. Just shows what I know and what I believed was God telling me not to worry she is not going to jail. I guess I don't listen very well. I just don't understand it.

But for tonight. I give it over to God to take care of all this.

From your lips to Gods ears