WEight weight weight AHHHHH

I am 56 years old and so fucking sick of weight. I am sick of thinking about it. Sick of talking about it and just sick of it. I am fat, thinner but never happy about it no matter what. When I was 13 I thought I was fat, I wore a size 3. When I got married at 17 (thats another story) I thought I was fat. When I weighed 122 lbs I thought I was fat. When I weighed 130 lbs I thought I was fat and on and on and on. So it happened I got fat. The fattest I got ws 205. The most I weighed when I was pregnant was 172 lbs. Have I gone on diets, well hell who hasn't. I did just eating hard boiled eggs, I went on WW a few times, Suzanne Somers diet, on who knows what else. So why don't I succeed withe this. Well really what does that mean? Is being thin succeeding. Do I get pissed when I want bread, cake or whatever the hell I want and feel I can't have. You bet I do. So I eat anything thats not enough worth eating. If I am going to indulge I am going to the best. I am going to eat Portland Pie Pizza, not any other unless its Alex. I am going to eat pie, the kind I really want and not just any pie. I am going to eat really good tasting fantastic food. If I want a damn hot dog I am going to eat what I want. I wont over indulge hopefully, but I will eat it. So I am not thin and wont be thin. But I am done feeling guilty about it. Am I hungry now, yes but is there something I really want. I don't think so but you know tomorrow I may have pancakes or french toast and I will enjoy it. Damn it.