Its cold. Its December. What did I think it would be. I love it I hate it. I did live in God For Saken Florida for two years and hated it. Grandchildren were born and saved me. I came back to New England.

I am 55 years old, who knows when that happened. I work at home as a CSR. I get lonely, I miss face to face contact with people, customers, clients or co-workers. But I am damn glad I don't have to go out in the cold mornings. One thing about being my age is I can bitch and the older I get the better I get at it. Its such a contradiction because on the other hand I am content with my life. I have a great husband, comfortable life. My family is amazing. But I feel there is more I can do.

I do get lazy, I start things and am not that great at following through. I shouldn't really say that. Who am I kidding of course I should say that. I went back to school at 38 and got my BS in Mental Health. I worked with homeless mentally ill addicts for 10 years. At times, I would have done it for nothing and then there were days I wondered what the hell I was doing. Not one of my clients said when they grew up they wanted to be mentally ill, have an addiction and be homeless.

I am rambling, I don't know where I am going with this. Sounds like my life. What is for me the rest of my life? I don't know. What do I love? I think I love people but not always. I like helping but again not always. I love cooking but I am not very imaginative. I can follow a recipe but don't ask me to develop a recipe. I use to love to write but we know that takes discipline and again am lazy. I like to sew quilts but I am not as good as I hope to be. So what the hell. How do I figure all this out.

I remember when I was much much younger I thought at 35 I would have the answers. Now I am 55 and have more questions than answers. That ticks me off.